The Ultimate Hollywood Wedding

We assemble the maddest, most entertaining wedding ever from our favourite various movie nuptials.

We love a good wedding here at, and with the release of ‘bra-mance’ comedy Bridesmaids this week, we thought we’d assemble the maddest, most entertaining wedding ever from our favourite various movie nuptials.

How about we start with the bride? We could do a lot worse than Emily, the Corpse Bride from Tim Burton’s movie of the same title. C’mon, it’s Helena Bonham Carter! Plus she’s dead! And mad possessive! Furthermore she has that whole access to the wild underworld thing going for her, and the ability to turn into butterflies. That should make for a lively ceremony if nothing else.

As for the groom, it should be Howard Brackett (Kevin Kline) from In & Out. Not only is he secretly gay and fa-ha-ha-bulous, we’d have the spectacle of Corpse Bride going batshit when she finds out about his thing for Tom Selleck. And that’s before his other fiancée, also named Emily (Joan Cusack) turns up to start a row. Oh those gays! Back-up groom is Andrew Paxton from The Proposal (Ryan Reynolds), because he might take his shirt off.

A good choice for best man would be Stifler (Seann William Scott) from American Wedding, as he’s sure to organise a rockin’ stag night, inadvertently drink some bodily fluids, and because he might take his shirt off (noticing a theme?)

When it comes to bridesmaids, you have a couple of options. You could plump for pretty, there’s-no-way-such-a-babe-would-be-single-in-real-life Jane Nichols (Katherine Heigl) from 27 Dresses, or the less, erm, threatening and unlikely-to-steal-your-thunder Rose Morgan (Barbara Streisand) out of The Mirror Has Two Faces. We like Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) from My Best Friend’s Wedding because a) she’ll likely try to steal the groom, b) she can critique the food, and c) she comes as a two-for-one deal with sassy gay pal George (Rupert Everett).

Donna (Meryl Streep), the once-slutty mum from Mamma Mia, is our pick for mother of the bride. That hussy would be good for bringing the scandal for the disapproving relatives, as well as banging out a tune.

For mother of the groom, we’d have to call up Viola Fields (Jane Fonda) from Monster-in-Law, mainly so we can ask her how cathartic, how oh-look-at-the-flowers-in-the-meadows-and-the-sweet-little-birds-in-the-trees damn good it felt to repeatedly smack J.Lo.

For father of the bride we’re still mulling over the choice between sweet curmudgeon George Banks (Steve Martin) from Father of the Bride, or William Cleary (Christopher Walken) from Wedding Crashers. We’re edging for the latter, mainly because we could call on him to break into the dance routine from Fatboy Slim’s ‘Weapon of Choice’.

The honour of granny of the bride has to go to mad-as-a-box-of-tracksuits Gammy Annie (Betty White) from The Proposal, while the bitter, emotionally constipated sister of the bride goes to Margot (Nicole Kidman) from Margot at The Wedding. Elsewhere, our first invite will go out to Kym (Anne Hathaway) from Rachel Getting Married, because we know she’d end up crashing a car and/or having a meltdown mid-way through the reception.

Fiona (Kristin Scott Thomas), from Four Weddings and a Funeral, would be a marvellous pick for the catty and flinty, though soft-on-the-inside spinster guest, while Randolph Dupree (Owen Wilson) of You Me and Dupree is the best bet for the loser man-child friend from college who’ll overstay his welcome during and after the wedding.

The one to officiate at the wedding would have to be Ted Danson’s doddery, in-disguise vicar from Three Men and a Little Lady, and, sure, throw in little Mary for good measure (FYI: Robin Weisman, who played the ‘Little Lady’ is now aged 27, and works in marketing. Now you know). We’ll also need someone to come and interrupt the wedding in a ploy to claim the bride for his own. That job goes to Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) from The Graduate.

Venue-wise, I think we’d settle for the Plaza hotel in New York, as seen in Bride Wars, because we’re pure classy like. Naturally such an epic patchwork movie wedding would need serious planning. We’re tempted to go with Franc (Martin Short) from Father of the Bride, though in our hearts we know we’d opt for Maria Fiore (Jennifer Lopez) from The Wedding Planner, the groom-knicking harpie. What’s a wedding without a pretending-not-to-be-one-don’t-be-fooled-by-the-rocks-that-I-got diva?

For entertainment at the reception, we’ve booked two acts: morose 80s talent Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) from The Wedding Singer, and game old bird Liza Minnelli from Sex and the City 2. Hey, what’s a wedding afters without a mortifying rendition of, and nightmare-inducing dance routine to a Beyonce number? And in order to really pull that one off, we’ll need a large, boisterous, over-bearing extended family. Step forward the Portokalou clan from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Our mad wedding would need some wedding crashers, so, naturally we’d go for the wildest, most famous wedding crashers in movie history: y’know, Tess McGill and Jack Trainer (Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford) from Working Girl. We liked the moxy they demonstrated by crashing the Trask Caribbean-themed wedding (the guests at which include, if you look close enough, Ricki Lake and Kathy Geist from 30 Rock) to land a business deal.

The token drunk aunties would have to come from Mamma Mia once more. Tanya (Christine Baranski) would hit on all the young fellas while flopping around the dancefloor, while we could count on Rosie (Julie Walters) to hop up on tables to serenade that long-lost Scandanavian cousin. Plus Julie Walters should be at every event and occasion, just ‘cos.

So there ya have it folks: the wedding of the year (take that Pippa O’Connor-Ormond!). Feel free to comment if we’ve egregiously forgotten any essential movie wedding guests.


Words – Declan Cashin

Bridesmaids is out now in cinemas.