The Ultimate Ancient World movie

With Immortals opening this week we’ve come up with a plot for the Ultimate Ancient World Movie mash-up.

With the release of Immortals, the latest addition to Hollywood’s growing canon of movies set in the Ancient World, it might be time for some enterprising screenwriter to pitch a The Avengers-style megamovie that picks and chooses the best characters from established swords-and-sandals epics already in existence.

Always ones to lend a helping hand, we here at thought we’d get the ball rolling with our own suggested plot for the Ultimate Ancient World Movie mash-up.

Proposed titles: Ledgebags; Myths of Destiny; Sandals of Time; Toga Mia!; Trojan Throwdown; BC in 3D; Troy This On For Size; The Gods Must Be Crazy* (*Pending copyright approval).

Disclaimer: Continuing in a fine Hollywood tradition, our pitch will bowdlerise the world of antiquity in a manner so outrageous that it will make the version of World War II presented in Inglourious Basterds look like the solemn Laurence Olivier-narrated documentary The World At War.

The year is [cough; mumble; mutter indistinct number] BC, and the world is toiling in the midst of chaos. Wars wage between nations; natural disasters are rife; and the twins with giant blond hair who speak only in riddles in curious accents are ascending to the pantheon of the Gods.
The action takes place in ancient Greece, upon which the Olympians look in despair. The rulers, having ceded too much power and control to the purveyors of coin and mammon, have blindly created a hideous, all-powerful monster named Debtus Colossus (played by Mickey Rourke with a dodgy accent and extravagant costume).

Debtus has taken control of Greece and is forcing the slaves and oppressed peoples to feed him all their gold and valuables. A brave band of rebels, however, are plotting to rise up against their insane overlords’ with angry outbursts of violence and rioting.

Meanwhile, up on high, Zeus (Liam Neeson from Clash of the Titans) looks on in despair, along with his siblings Poseidon (Danny Huston) and Apollo (Luke Evans, both from Clash).

Cut to a flashback that shows the God in happier times in his youth, as a point of contrast to today. Zeus (played as a younger man – rather confusingly – by Luke Evans from Immortals) spent his days lolling and LOL-ing about with his ladies Hera and Dione, fathering the next generation of gods and goddesses, and intermittently using a few rods of lightning to keep those mad humans in check.

The camera focuses on his gradually saddening eyes as the action segues back to the present (that is, the past) where Zeus – loathe though he is to interfere in the affairs of humanity – decides it’s time to bang some mortal heads together.

Zeus instructs his sneaky brother Poseidon to get Poseidon’s secret, and more importantly, ripped son on Earth, Theseus (Henry Cavill, Immortals) to join the secret band of Greek rebels to overthrow Debtus Colossus and restore some order.

During intense crisis talks, Theseus has his own demands. “I want to build my own army of men,” he cries. “I can’t do it all myself. After all, I’m good, but I’m not some kind of… Superman!” [quick sly smile at camera/or insert quick subliminal image from Man of Steel here].

When the man usually employed for such hero-gathering missions – Ubiquitous (Samuel L Jackson, making a brief appearance) – turns out to be otherwise engaged, Theseus gets the word out via his band of tweeters – messenger birds, that is – and soon has assembled his kinda-sorta-half brother Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman, Percy Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightning Thief), Achilles (Brad Pitt, Troy), King Leonidas (Gerard Butler, 300), and Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum, The Eagle).

Last to join is Alexander the Great (Colin Farrell), who quickly earns wild and diverse reputations for being, amongst others things, a party animal, a momma’s boy (for bringing along his hot MILF ma Olympias, played by Angelina Jolie), and “being a bit gay” for carrying on with his pretty accompanying pal Hephaiston (Jared Leto) in a manner that’s just that bit too jocular even for this macho posse of preened, stripped-to-the-waist, six-pack-boasting, loin-cloth-sporting blokes.

Theseus then infiltrates the messages being exchanged by the rebels to find out their plans (plus who’s sleeping with who; Aphrodite, to be played by sexy Agyness Deyn from Clash of the Titans, who will feature sexily in a sexy cameo. Sex!).

The ragtag – or rag-toga – band of brothers then promptly align themselves with the protestors to plot their attack on Debtus, who has taken up residence in the House of Democracy in Athens.

A fierce battle ensues – in 3D, natch – and there is much bloodshed and loss of life. Deploying a mythical magic bow and arrow gifted to him from the Gods – known colloquially as ‘The Bazooka’ – Theseus destroys Debtus’ by aiming directly at the monster’s weakest spot – his enormous, single eye-ball – but inadvertently causes injury to nearby Achilles when the arrow rebounds off his heel, which continues to cause him trouble for the remainder of his days.

As Debtus explodes, it sends huge piles of gold, silver and treasure flying out of the House of Democracy and into the streets of the cheering rebels and surviving peasants.
Watching it all from above, Zeus starts to get a bad feeling in his waters. He moves to the edge of his cloud, squints down in another direction, and gasps.

In a final twist, wicked Hades (Ralph Fiennes), God of the Underworld has been plotting with nefarious foreign rulers to take over Greece’s reclaimed fortune.

The movie ends with advancing armies from Germania, Gaul, and Brittania marching towards Greece to retrieve its gold. That should provide plenty of material for a sequel, tentatively entitled Titan Your Belts.

Words – Declan Cashin

Immortals is released on November 11.